things; mostly serious edition:
- I’m so sick of my brother. He treats me like I’m nothing. He constantly invalidates me, tries to show how much more successful he is compared to me, writes off my problems, my tastes, my feelings as trivial. He left about an hour ago to head back up to school. When I said “come say goodbye to me” he said “I have to say goodbye to you?”. Not jokingly. Quietly. I shrugged it off and gave him a hug anyway. I try so hard to be a good sister and everything I do for him he just throws back in my face.
- BUT on a happier note- the other day I wore my nice black blazer with the velvet trimmings and I found something in my pocket- it was a shard of mirror, probably from someone’s car side mirrors. On the way to my audition for the acting program I most wanted to get into we stopped on the side of the road because I thought I might be sick. My dad found the shard of mirror and gave it to me. He told me that it was a shard of Sirius’s mirror that he gave to Harry and that Aberforth Dumbledore was on the other side to send help if I needed it. I put it in my pocket and left it there to give me strength. I had forgot it was there- I haven’t worn that blazer in a few years. It made me smile.
- Last night I had a conversation with a former coworker (who I didn’t like that much to begin with) who asked me if I’ve seen my ex-boyfriend recently. I said no, but we still talk. She again said (we had a similar conversation right after he and I broke up) that she thought I made a mistake. I had to refrain from telling her that last time I checked it was none of her fucking business. People always seem to doubt my ability to make the right choices for myself.
- And on a similar note: I get quite sick of people telling me I’ll find someone soon or that I’ll see the world differently when I fall in love. I don’t want to find someone soon. I don’t need to fall in love. I know that in the past few years I’ve gone through boys with an almost Taylor Swift-like frequency but I can’t do that anymore. But after Sean… I tried. But I can’t trust anyone. So I’ll be alone. I like being single. No one seems to get that. There’s no pressure, I don’t have to fit anyone into my life or feel like I’m compromising myself (I don’t like touching. Unless we’re making out or something, you don’t need to be in constant contact with me. Give me back my hand, I need that for stuff. And I don’t really like cuddling. You’re breathing my air and I’m bony, this can’t be comfortable for you. Or me- I overheat easily.) But what I really dislike, is people telling me “that’ll change when you fall in love”. No. I’ve been in love. I wish I hadn’t been but I was and no. I’m not some naive little girl who will learn the secrets of the universe after I fall in love with someone. You can fucking quote me on that.