because 1) I’m tired and need some extra sleep but also 2) I need to do some major cleaning if I’m gonna start showing my apartment.
Today I had a phone conversation with Audrey about Philadelphia and I’m excited. The fall is going to be wonderful. We’re gonna have potlucks and cats and a dog and friends and occasional trips to New York.
I’m excited about home as well. I was talking with my mom and we’ve both agreed that coming home is the “next step” and not a step backwards. Because I did a great thing by coming here, getting a job, an apartment etc etc. And I’m not going home forever, just for a few months. I just need a little jump start before my next adventure. A little break at home with my family.
The way I see it- I’m collecting life experiences. I’m moving about, trying on different versions of me. It’s kind of romantic, almost. I moved to a brand new city, where I knew no one. Stayed for 8 months (well, 9 months by the time I leave), moved. Started over in a new city a few months later. Hell, maybe in another year I’ll have moved again (I don’t really want to but hey, who knows).
I’m even trying to look at my job as a fun facet of my identity; I get to stab people with needles for a living and take their blood. That’s pretty odd and cool.
I sat on a bench in the sun for a good hour, talking to my parents on the phone.
Then I got a smoothie and went back to my apartment to avoid spending more money. I need to be a bit better about budgeting.
However, yesterday I got $30 for taking a survey.
… and then took myself out for dinner at a rather expensive restaurant but still.
I’m working on being happy. Because I have lots of things to be happy about. And yet. There’s still that block. And I understand that it’s my depression and not a failing on my part but it still makes me feel guilty.
I almost feel like I cheated, being that I haven’t acted in 4 years, my “theater education” was cut short aaaaaaaand even though this is a non-union venture, I’m not in any union. I just mooch off my dad because he’s a member of SAG and gets free DVDs before the SAG awards and sometimes if he’s too busy to watch them he lets me fill out his ballot for him.
BUT I DID IT BY BEING AWESOME. Or something.
I bit my lip earlier and it’s swelled up a bit and ow.
Work went alright. My coworkers were fine, apart from one who used monosyllables when I asked him anything. We used to be friends, I thought. Pity.
Aaaaaand I only saw a brief glimpse of a particular tall pharmacy gremlin and really that’s not quite enough. Though I did get quite a bit of time with him yesterday. He took me to an island inhabited by deaf children and fairies. And after we drank a fair amount of beer.
I hate psychiatrists. It’s not their fault, I’ve just seen so many over the years. I don’t hate them quite as much as therapists but still.
Most people don’t really understand the toll that long-term psychiatric care can have on a person. And if you do understand, I’m sorry. I know it sucks. Especially when you’re young.
According to the quick count I just did, over the last 7 years I have seen 6 different psychiatrists and 8 different therapists, not counting the ones I saw in the hospital.
But at least today I have my own personal taxi/moral support to come with me. He’s cute, too.
Though I don’t know if he’d like the word cute. Handsome? Dashing? Debonair?
I’m nervous. I hate doctors.
Tomorrow I’m going to Boston for the audition. I’m nervous about that, too. I still haven’t typed up my resume. Mostly because I’m embarrassed that I haven’t done anything in the past 5 years. And my theater “education” lasted 1 semester.
Also the audition is at the college that was my first choice- the college I didn’t get into because my grades weren’t good enough and I bombed my audition because I was so nervous I forgot what I was doing.
Weeellll this is a great attitude I’ve got going, isn’t it?
OK. I’M DELIGHTFUL. I’M FANTASTIC. I’M GOING TO BE CALM AND POLITE TO THE PSYCHIATRIST AND EVEN IF I DON’T MANAGE THAT HE’S NOT GOING TO CARE MUCH BECAUSE HE’S SEEN WORSE, PROBABLY. AND I’M GOING TO NAIL THAT AUDITION TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER 17 AND AFRAID. ALSO MY ENGLISH ACCENT IS DYNAMITE.
The nurse practitioner wants me to stay home from work for the next few days. Again. I did two hour days yesterday and Monday but since my headache got worse yesterday, as did my dizziness, she chose to keep me out of work.
It’s frustrating as hell.
My co-worker just called me because I was on the schedule but didn’t show up because no one told him I’m gonna be out of work so now I feel guilty even though none of this is my fault.
I can’t even read for more than 15 minutes so I can’t finish filling out my workers comp forms in one sitting.
Good thing I’m already off-book for my audition (I have a freakish ability to memorize lines quickly. For every show I’ve ever done I’ve been the first person off-book.)
Ugh I’m just gonna take a nap. Despite the fact that I sleep constantly I’m still so fucking exhausted.
In case you are not aware, hearing the rain on my roof is one of my favorite things in the entire universe.
and tonight we’re getting PIZZA. REAL PIZZA. (for those of you unaware, pizza outside of the New York City/Lower Hudson Valley area is not real pizza. It’s dough and sauce and cheese but it’s not Pizza.)
I’m desperately trying not to fall back asleep because my sleeping pattern is now ridiculous but I’m very tired.
I want to drive but I’m not sure my parents will let me seeing as I’m still sort of concussed and also it’s raining.
I should not consider anything before 10am “early” but. I woke up at 7:45am. I left my apartment at 8:20am.
Incidentally, the bank doesn’t open until 9.
The coffee shop I like was open, though.
I forgot to ask what type of scone this is but it’s delicious. I kinda just pointed at it and said “that one”. I’m bad at identifying flavors.
My journey starts with a bus. I’m taking the bus from Portland to Boston and then the train from Boston to New Haven, where my mom will pick me up in her car.
seriously, this scone is really good what is in it?
my phone is breaking and I’m :(
the button on top that turns the screen on and off (I have an iPhone 4) ceased to work months ago and the main navigation button only works when it feels like it. My brother just got a new phone but I can’t really afford one right now and I’d feel guilty as hell asking my parents for one seeing as I’m technically supposed to be an adult with a job and stuff but um, I’m missing work because of my stupid head and I’m nearly broke from hospital bills and I’m freaking out because my phone doesn’t work 100% of the time like I need it to.