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things:

  • I told myself I was going to come home after work and go to bed.
  • So I started watching Orphan Black.
  • what the fuck have I gotten myself into I don’t have time to be obsessed with something new???
  • basically I’m exhausted but… how do I stop after that pilot???
  • I can’t
  • but I can because I’m about to pass out.
  • Today wasn’t even busy.
  • ok it’s bed time.
  • (p.s. the kickstarter for The Gathering Storm is officially over and eeeee I’m so excited about this project!!!!!)
— 19 hours ago with 3 notes
#things 

things:

  • I think I may have been underestimating how big this film is going to be. I mean, yes, I understand how elaborate and fantastic it’s going to be and what an amazing experience we’re going to have but… I forgot to take into account the fandom- how big this is going to be. I mean, the fandom blew up with A Very Potter Musical. What the hell is this going to be like?
  • Not that I think my life is suddenly going to change- I’m still gonna be a phlebotomist with the same problems and challenges I have now but… wow. 
  • I was talking to Sara (who plays Avery) last night and she said something that struck me- “You’re gonna get a following I can feel it”. I responded with “We all are”. But I’m thinking about it now, without wine clouding my thoughts and- fuck. We are. Or we might. I’m getting ahead of myself. 
  • I went out for dinner last night with my friend Jil and she was telling me about a conversation she had with her boyfriend. About how weird I am. Jil said “but I’m odd too” and he responded with “yes, but not as odd as Caroline”. He meant it as a compliment. But I’ve gotten this from other people too- am I really that odd? Like, I know I’m kinda strange but not to a ridiculous degree? Or maybe everything I do is just so normal to me that I don’t notice?
  • Maybe I should, like, take a shower and do productive adult things like clean and laundry and run errands instead of sitting in bed fangirling and analyzing my degree of strange. 
  • shut up, spellcheck, fangirling is so a word, get with the timez.
  • timez is a word too.
— 3 days ago with 1 note
#things 

things:

  • the kickstarter is gaining so much momentum and I’m so excited I’m nearly jumping out of my skin.
  • I got stuck by a needle (again) yesterday at work. I was freaking out because the test I was drawing on the guy was for HIV. But he came back negative and all my labs look good as well. But for a few hours I was the kind of nervous where you appear completely fine because you can’t stop smiling and repeating “I’m fine” over and over and over because damnit if I say it enough I’ll be fine right?????? I was a tad manic.
  • BUT I’M FINE.
  • Aaaaaand now I have to go so I can stop and buy gatorade before I head to work because gatorade fuels my life (aaaand keeps my low blood pressure… not so low)
  • OH AND DONATE TO THE GATHERING STORM
— 5 days ago with 5 notes
#things 

things:

  • I need it to be the weekend rn
  • because 1) I’m tired and need some extra sleep but also 2) I need to do some major cleaning if I’m gonna start showing my apartment.
  • Today I had a phone conversation with Audrey about Philadelphia and I’m excited. The fall is going to be wonderful. We’re gonna have potlucks and cats and a dog and friends and occasional trips to New York.
  • I’m excited about home as well. I was talking with my mom and we’ve both agreed that coming home is the “next step” and not a step backwards. Because I did a great thing by coming here, getting a job, an apartment etc etc. And I’m not going home forever, just for a few months. I just need a little jump start before my next adventure. A little break at home with my family.
  • The way I see it- I’m collecting life experiences. I’m moving about, trying on different versions of me. It’s kind of romantic, almost. I moved to a brand new city, where I knew no one. Stayed for 8 months (well, 9 months by the time I leave), moved. Started over in a new city a few months later. Hell, maybe in another year I’ll have moved again (I don’t really want to but hey, who knows). 
  • I’m even trying to look at my job as a fun facet of my identity; I get to stab people with needles for a living and take their blood. That’s pretty odd and cool.
  • Speaking of which, I have to go to work now.
— 6 days ago with 6 notes
#things 

things:

  • I’m back to my full, 8 hour shift today.
  • In an hour and a half, specifically.
  • I wasn’t particularly nervous until riiiiiight… now.
  • Maybe I’ll take a quick nap.
  • That might help.
  • Ok.
— 1 week ago with 3 notes
#things 

things:

  • It’s 65 degrees and sunny outside.
  • I sat on a bench in the sun for a good hour, talking to my parents on the phone.
  • Then I got a smoothie and went back to my apartment to avoid spending more money. I need to be a bit better about budgeting. 
  • However, yesterday I got $30 for taking a survey.
  • … and then took myself out for dinner at a rather expensive restaurant but still. 
  • I’m working on being happy. Because I have lots of things to be happy about. And yet. There’s still that block. And I understand that it’s my depression and not a failing on my part but it still makes me feel guilty. 
  • ugh, life, amiright?
— 1 week ago with 3 notes
#things 

things:

  • Today I was cast in a movie. A movie.
  • I almost feel like I cheated, being that I haven’t acted in 4 years, my “theater education” was cut short aaaaaaaand even though this is a non-union venture, I’m not in any union. I just mooch off my dad because he’s a member of SAG and gets free DVDs before the SAG awards and sometimes if he’s too busy to watch them he lets me fill out his ballot for him.
  • BUT I DID IT BY BEING AWESOME. Or something. 
  • I bit my lip earlier and it’s swelled up a bit and ow.
  • Work went alright. My coworkers were fine, apart from one who used monosyllables when I asked him anything. We used to be friends, I thought. Pity.
  • Aaaaaand I only saw a brief glimpse of a particular tall pharmacy gremlin and really that’s not quite enough. Though I did get quite a bit of time with him yesterday. He took me to an island inhabited by deaf children and fairies. And after we drank a fair amount of beer.
  • I’m exhausted. Off to bed with me.
  • Goodnight :)
— 2 weeks ago with 6 notes
#things 

things:

  • I made it down to Boston!
  • I was the first at the audition!
  • I auditioned!
  • It went ok! (I think)
  • I wandered around an old graveyard!
  • I took the bus back!
  • Now I’m going to take a crash nap before hanging out with Jil!
  • Tomorrow Madeleine and her lady love are visiting me!
  • Good things!
— 2 weeks ago with 8 notes
#things 

things:

  • I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist.
  • I’m nervous as hell.
  • I hate psychiatrists. It’s not their fault, I’ve just seen so many over the years. I don’t hate them quite as much as therapists but still.
  • Most people don’t really understand the toll that long-term psychiatric care can have on a person. And if you do understand, I’m sorry. I know it sucks. Especially when you’re young.
  • According to the quick count I just did, over the last 7 years I have seen 6 different psychiatrists and 8 different therapists, not counting the ones I saw in the hospital.
  • But at least today I have my own personal taxi/moral support to come with me. He’s cute, too.
  • Though I don’t know if he’d like the word cute. Handsome? Dashing? Debonair? 
  • I’m nervous. I hate doctors. 
  • Tomorrow I’m going to Boston for the audition. I’m nervous about that, too. I still haven’t typed up my resume. Mostly because I’m embarrassed that I haven’t done anything in the past 5 years. And my theater “education” lasted 1 semester.
  • Also the audition is at the college that was my first choice- the college I didn’t get into because my grades weren’t good enough and I bombed my audition because I was so nervous I forgot what I was doing.
  • Weeellll this is a great attitude I’ve got going, isn’t it?
  • OK. I’M DELIGHTFUL. I’M FANTASTIC. I’M GOING TO BE CALM AND POLITE TO THE PSYCHIATRIST AND EVEN IF I DON’T MANAGE THAT HE’S NOT GOING TO CARE MUCH BECAUSE HE’S SEEN WORSE, PROBABLY. AND I’M GOING TO NAIL THAT AUDITION TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER 17 AND AFRAID. ALSO MY ENGLISH ACCENT IS DYNAMITE.
— 2 weeks ago with 6 notes
#things 

things:

  • The nurse practitioner wants me to stay home from work for the next few days. Again. I did two hour days yesterday and Monday but since my headache got worse yesterday, as did my dizziness, she chose to keep me out of work. 
  • It’s frustrating as hell.
  • My co-worker just called me because I was on the schedule but didn’t show up because no one told him I’m gonna be out of work so now I feel guilty even though none of this is my fault.
  • I can’t even read for more than 15 minutes so I can’t finish filling out my workers comp forms in one sitting.
  • Good thing I’m already off-book for my audition (I have a freakish ability to memorize lines quickly. For every show I’ve ever done I’ve been the first person off-book.)
  • Ugh I’m just gonna take a nap. Despite the fact that I sleep constantly I’m still so fucking exhausted.
— 3 weeks ago with 1 note
#things