I think I may have been underestimating how big this film is going to be. I mean, yes, I understand how elaborate and fantastic it’s going to be and what an amazing experience we’re going to have but… I forgot to take into account the fandom- how big this is going to be. I mean, the fandom blew up with A Very Potter Musical. What the hell is this going to be like?
Not that I think my life is suddenly going to change- I’m still gonna be a phlebotomist with the same problems and challenges I have now but… wow.
I was talking to Sara (who plays Avery) last night and she said something that struck me- “You’re gonna get a following I can feel it”. I responded with “We all are”. But I’m thinking about it now, without wine clouding my thoughts and- fuck. We are. Or we might. I’m getting ahead of myself.
I went out for dinner last night with my friend Jil and she was telling me about a conversation she had with her boyfriend. About how weird I am. Jil said “but I’m odd too” and he responded with “yes, but not as odd as Caroline”. He meant it as a compliment. But I’ve gotten this from other people too- am I really that odd? Like, I know I’m kinda strange but not to a ridiculous degree? Or maybe everything I do is just so normal to me that I don’t notice?
Maybe I should, like, take a shower and do productive adult things like clean and laundry and run errands instead of sitting in bed fangirling and analyzing my degree of strange.
shut up, spellcheck, fangirling is so a word, get with the timez.
the kickstarter is gaining so much momentum and I’m so excited I’m nearly jumping out of my skin.
I got stuck by a needle (again) yesterday at work. I was freaking out because the test I was drawing on the guy was for HIV. But he came back negative and all my labs look good as well. But for a few hours I was the kind of nervous where you appear completely fine because you can’t stop smiling and repeating “I’m fine” over and over and over because damnit if I say it enough I’ll be fine right?????? I was a tad manic.
BUT I’M FINE.
Aaaaaand now I have to go so I can stop and buy gatorade before I head to work because gatorade fuels my life (aaaand keeps my low blood pressure… not so low)
because 1) I’m tired and need some extra sleep but also 2) I need to do some major cleaning if I’m gonna start showing my apartment.
Today I had a phone conversation with Audrey about Philadelphia and I’m excited. The fall is going to be wonderful. We’re gonna have potlucks and cats and a dog and friends and occasional trips to New York.
I’m excited about home as well. I was talking with my mom and we’ve both agreed that coming home is the “next step” and not a step backwards. Because I did a great thing by coming here, getting a job, an apartment etc etc. And I’m not going home forever, just for a few months. I just need a little jump start before my next adventure. A little break at home with my family.
The way I see it- I’m collecting life experiences. I’m moving about, trying on different versions of me. It’s kind of romantic, almost. I moved to a brand new city, where I knew no one. Stayed for 8 months (well, 9 months by the time I leave), moved. Started over in a new city a few months later. Hell, maybe in another year I’ll have moved again (I don’t really want to but hey, who knows).
I’m even trying to look at my job as a fun facet of my identity; I get to stab people with needles for a living and take their blood. That’s pretty odd and cool.
I sat on a bench in the sun for a good hour, talking to my parents on the phone.
Then I got a smoothie and went back to my apartment to avoid spending more money. I need to be a bit better about budgeting.
However, yesterday I got $30 for taking a survey.
… and then took myself out for dinner at a rather expensive restaurant but still.
I’m working on being happy. Because I have lots of things to be happy about. And yet. There’s still that block. And I understand that it’s my depression and not a failing on my part but it still makes me feel guilty.
I almost feel like I cheated, being that I haven’t acted in 4 years, my “theater education” was cut short aaaaaaaand even though this is a non-union venture, I’m not in any union. I just mooch off my dad because he’s a member of SAG and gets free DVDs before the SAG awards and sometimes if he’s too busy to watch them he lets me fill out his ballot for him.
BUT I DID IT BY BEING AWESOME. Or something.
I bit my lip earlier and it’s swelled up a bit and ow.
Work went alright. My coworkers were fine, apart from one who used monosyllables when I asked him anything. We used to be friends, I thought. Pity.
Aaaaaand I only saw a brief glimpse of a particular tall pharmacy gremlin and really that’s not quite enough. Though I did get quite a bit of time with him yesterday. He took me to an island inhabited by deaf children and fairies. And after we drank a fair amount of beer.
I hate psychiatrists. It’s not their fault, I’ve just seen so many over the years. I don’t hate them quite as much as therapists but still.
Most people don’t really understand the toll that long-term psychiatric care can have on a person. And if you do understand, I’m sorry. I know it sucks. Especially when you’re young.
According to the quick count I just did, over the last 7 years I have seen 6 different psychiatrists and 8 different therapists, not counting the ones I saw in the hospital.
But at least today I have my own personal taxi/moral support to come with me. He’s cute, too.
Though I don’t know if he’d like the word cute. Handsome? Dashing? Debonair?
I’m nervous. I hate doctors.
Tomorrow I’m going to Boston for the audition. I’m nervous about that, too. I still haven’t typed up my resume. Mostly because I’m embarrassed that I haven’t done anything in the past 5 years. And my theater “education” lasted 1 semester.
Also the audition is at the college that was my first choice- the college I didn’t get into because my grades weren’t good enough and I bombed my audition because I was so nervous I forgot what I was doing.
Weeellll this is a great attitude I’ve got going, isn’t it?
OK. I’M DELIGHTFUL. I’M FANTASTIC. I’M GOING TO BE CALM AND POLITE TO THE PSYCHIATRIST AND EVEN IF I DON’T MANAGE THAT HE’S NOT GOING TO CARE MUCH BECAUSE HE’S SEEN WORSE, PROBABLY. AND I’M GOING TO NAIL THAT AUDITION TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER 17 AND AFRAID. ALSO MY ENGLISH ACCENT IS DYNAMITE.
The nurse practitioner wants me to stay home from work for the next few days. Again. I did two hour days yesterday and Monday but since my headache got worse yesterday, as did my dizziness, she chose to keep me out of work.
It’s frustrating as hell.
My co-worker just called me because I was on the schedule but didn’t show up because no one told him I’m gonna be out of work so now I feel guilty even though none of this is my fault.
I can’t even read for more than 15 minutes so I can’t finish filling out my workers comp forms in one sitting.
Good thing I’m already off-book for my audition (I have a freakish ability to memorize lines quickly. For every show I’ve ever done I’ve been the first person off-book.)
Ugh I’m just gonna take a nap. Despite the fact that I sleep constantly I’m still so fucking exhausted.