things:

• I applied for a phlebotomy job in Portland. Fingers freakin’ crossed.
• Wow it’s fuckin’ hot today.
• My dad bought my brother a $500 camera for my brother’s trip to Croatia in July. I’ve been asking for a DSLR since I was in high school. I stopped expecting one ‘cos I’m an adult now and adults generally don’t get $500 presents from their parents. So I’m just a little pissed. I know it’s silly and petty.
• Sibling rivalry never really ends. But seriously, the kid is spoiled as fuck. I am a little, too, I’m not denying that. But… idk, I sound like a brat right now.
• However, knowing how pathetic I am, my mom got me a $25 gift certificate for Starbucks and it was so sweet I almost teared up a bit.
• I need a fucking job so badly. Every “sure thing” I’ve had has fell through.
• I’ll tell you one thing, when I finally get a job and move out and am making steady money- I’m gonna get my parents something really nice. They’re saints. Every time I have to ask for gas money I cringe but they give it. 
• Soon I’ll be ok.
• And next week my friends Will and Michaela are coming to visit so I have something to look forward to. I get to play tour guide in the City (I’m taking them to the Met, the MoMa and various bookstores.) I’m quite excited. 

things:

• I’ve had a shitty day.
• Also, I had a ridiculous panic attack in class and then got sick.
• And my anxiety meds are in Queens ‘cos I left them at a friend’s place over the weekend.
• SO THAT’S FANTASTIC.
• I’m still unemployed, I can’t afford any of the shit I need, I can’t find any bras that fucking fit and I still live in the town I grew up in with my parents and most of my friends are graduating from college in the next week and I’m not.
• I didn’t actually realize until this moment how much that’s actually been bothering me. I know that leaving school was 100% the right decision for me but… all the same. 
• I feel a little broken.
• I just realized that if I want to eat just bread and butter that I totally can and no one would stop me.
• idk why that never occurred to me before but fuck it imma eat some bread and butter.
• I mean, someone has to hire me eventually. I’ve applied to a shitton of jobs (shitton is a technical term) so, statistically (I’m pulling this out of my ass) someone has to call me back, right? Right? Right? *laughs uncertainly*
• I have a whole 24 hours until The Office series finale and then the new Hannibal episode. So I’ll probably die afterward.
• I don’t trust people who don’t have this many feelings about TV.

things:

• I need a new eyebrow pencil.
• I had a nice chat with my brother today. It was good. We hardly ever get along so a friendly chat is a very good thing. He’s proud of me for getting my phlebotomy certification.
• He also told me he’s planning on learning to tend bar this summer. Which, if you know my brother, is hilarious being that up until about a year ago he thought alcohol was morally wrong.
• However I support his transition to the dark side and have promised to be his taste-tester (provided he supplies the booze).
• And I might have a job waitressing. So hopefully I can get a little income to supplement the $75 dollars currently in my bank account *quietly weeps over checkbook*
• Searching for a job is a full-time job that doesn’t pay anything and only brings you distress and a need to cry into a bottle of wine and some mac&cheese. However, I don’t have to put on pants because of the power of the INTERNET. 

things:

• I’m getting a passport!!!!! (finally)
• It’s been a week and no one has called me about the receptionist position. OH WELL. (I don’t know why I was counting on it so much. I think it was just the idea of working for the DA)
• I’ve been finding it difficult not to get discouraged. I’ve been unsuccessful in finding a job and I really really need one. I have about $100 dollars left to my name (if that).
• However, I’ve decided to stop trying to justify my life choices to people. If I get judge-y questions I’m just going to toss my hair and walk away.
• Solid plan, I think.
• Now it’s off to the job sites with me! Maybe something new will have popped up since I checked 10 hours ago.

things- Hannibal Edition:

• I’m actually obsessed with Hannibal.
• Tonight’s episode.
• I’m way too attached to all of these characters (except for Beverly for some reason. idk) but Jack’s mini breakdown tonight was heartbreaking.
• My mom has now watched two episodes with me (she hates this kind of stuff but she never leaves the tv room). Her reactions include:
• “This show is very atmospheric”
• “Does Will frequently have visions? Is that supposed to be normal?”
• “Wait, who is he feeding them?”
• “Who’s that again? Am I supposed to care about him?”
• My mom is great.
• I’m glad we got to see Hannibal attack someone. Sometimes I forget that he’s actually a twisted cannibalistic sociopath. So it’s nice to be reminded. Of course it just makes me worry about my bb Will even more.
• But GILLIAN ANDERSON NEXT WEEK.
• SCULLY IS HANNIBAL’S THERAPIST YES OH MY GOD.
• All in all, an excellent episode except Will and Alana need to spend more time alone together with their cute little smiles because Alana makes Will smile and it’s perfect ok? Why do I feel alone in this ship?

things- late night Caroline’s dwindling sanity edition:

• I just spelled my name wrong. I wrote Caronlie. Not my name.
• It’s sort of a shame how I start writing something I feel really confident about and it’s fanfiction. 
• Uh, I mean what? No, I’m totally not writing Hannibal fanfiction at all I don’t write fanfiction anymore but there are so many EMOTIONS that I need to write about damn this show.
• I should probably go to bed.
• Even though I took a 4 hour nap today.
• I can’t stop napping. I’m like a napping machine. 
• Dear god I want a new mattress.
• And an apartment in Portland.
• And a job.
• But tomorrow is Sunday so I still have another day before my Starbucks interview and another day before anyone will have looked at my application for the receptionist job (hire me, I have gumption.)
• Every day is kinda like a weekend day for me except on actual weekends I won’t get any important possibly job-related emails. Doesn’t stop me from checking every hour.
• I have a problem.
• It’s called television.

things:

• My dad doesn’t like me talking about him on the internet. He thinks some tenant of his will find it and use it against him. 
• But sometimes he’s just so funny (intentionally or not) and I want to share it. BUT I’m nice and will respect his wishes.
• It’s going to get up to nearly 70 degrees today (Fahrenheit for my followers not in the US. If it was Celsius we’d be dead. Except maybe for my brother. He seems impervious to heat. He wears long sleeves and multiple layers in July. His room is a sauna. He’s been known to turn on his space heater during the summer. He’s probably a salamander.)
• I think maybe I’ll take a book outside. Try and get some sun.
• If I get this Starbucks job (oh, I got an interview. I told twitter but I guess I forgot to tell my sweet potato tumblr followers. Sorry. I made that weird.) then I’ll save every. single. penny.
• OK. Outside time.

things:

• my mom is in full support of my “by September” timeline for moving! She’s been sort of quiet about that but today she reminded me to tell my psychiatrist that I’ll be moving by September but possibly sooner depending on jobs”. It’s nice encouragement. Especially because she’s been worried about me being on my own. Sometimes I forget that I’m still her baby. I’m her best friend, but I’m also her daughter. 
• The deadline for the application for the receptionist job was yesterday at 4pm. SO hopefully hopefully someone will call me next week for an interview????? 
• I’m flat broke and currently have no job and I’m not positive that I passed my certification test (I get the results next week) BUT despite all that I’m still feeling strangely positive. 
• Daughter’s new album is streaming on Rolling Stone and it’s perfect. There’s a new version of “Youth” and it’s possibly even more glorious than the original. 
• I have two warring fantasies about Portland going on- one is a Jim and Pam thing where I meet a handsome intern at the District Attorney’s office (I’ve named him Sam). The other is more a “every romantic comedy with a lazy plotline” where I meet a guy in my apartment building (I’m calling him Brad).
• These are the things I think about. However, whenever I meet a real flesh-and-blood man I go “lol nope”. 
• I also have a fantasy where I meet two girls who live down the hall and we have late night chats and watch movies and go to art galleries on weekends. (I haven’t named them yet.)
• I’m insane.

things:

• I should sleep. 
• My certification test is tomorrow.
• I feel like I’m standing at the edge of something. It’s cliche. But it’s how it feels.
• I don’t know what it is but this past week so many blogs I follow have been posting things about/hinting at self-harm. I’ve had to unfollow people and I feel bad. But. I need to take care of myself. I’ve gone a year and I’m not gonna mess that up. I still think about it a lot.
• Can someone just… hand me a job? I can’t promise money or insider trading advice or sexual favors or anything but I can draw you a nice picture?
• I’m bad at bribes.
• Lately I look at my face and see nothing I like. It’s really disheartening because I used to really like my face.
• My mom made chocolate chip cookie dough the other day. She does this every few months or so. We never make the cookies. We just eat the whole batch of dough. Except she’s started going to the gym so… I’m eating it. It’s almost all gone. I think it’s been like 3 days.
• Oooooooops

things:

• My certification test is on Wednesday. Ahhhhhhh.
• I’m fairly certain I can pass but I still want a good grade (your score doesn’t actually matter but it matters to ME.)
• I’ve been applying to every secretary position that pops up in Portland like a madwoman. One has responded to my resume and cover letter, asking me to fill out an application. It’s probably just their policy to respond to any interest but it’s still encouraging to me.
• They ask how many words I can type per minute. I’ve never actually timed myself, so I guess I have to do that. I remember hearing somewhere that the average is 60 wpm and I’m sure I type more than that. Knock on wood.
• My new philosophy is that I have gumption and spunk and therefore I will succeed. I’m looking up apartments and jobs and bikes (transportation, yay!) like a motherfucker. So hopefully that’ll prepare me a bit. I think my mom is really proud of me. She’s one of the only people who knows that I’m not as fragile as people think I am. That’s incredibly encouraging to me. I’ve not always been stable and over the past 6 years or so I haven’t really inspired confidence in many people but I’m a lot stronger than people give me credit for. This is my way to prove it. And I’m handling myself. I’m much more stable now. I feel ready. Excited, even. Definitely excited. 
• I’m crossing my fingers so hard that someone will reply to my application to the secretary position once they receive it. I can always drive up for a day or two to interview and look at a few apartments. Plus, the job is at the county office in the Maine Supreme Court building which is so cool. Plus, even though I didn’t finish college, I still list my “Area of Major Study” as English/Criminal Justice (I didn’t major in them at the same time, but they were the two areas that I did major in that I took the most classes for. Well, besides Theater but that’s a little less relevant.)
• This has been a long post. Kudos if you read it all.
• I should go to the bank now.